I was drowning in a river of denial

This is a bit old and I wrote when I was in my junior year of High School, I was maybe around 15 turning 16 back then and I was in this transition from doe eyed little girl to a girl with opinions and a mouth that cannot shut up. I was trying to better whatever skills I have, trying to find myself at the same time and getting lost at a few moments. One little road that I crossed in my way to find self actualization was the road of crush vs love, I was only 15 and I was forcing so many ideas down my own throat I could not see anything clearly.


You and I are painting pictures

In the clear blue sky

I don’t know why I’m still smiling

Reality never looked this good to me

So please tell me that it’s not a fantasy

And that I’m not dreaming

I’m fully awake and my eyes are open


I am not in love

But yes it’s more than a crush

But I know it’s not love

Nothing passed that

But I know it’s not love, more than a crush

Its not self explanatory

Nobody knows not even me…


Let’s not make this a tragedy

Let’s just see what happens next

If this was a movie

Will it end so and happily?

I’ll wait and see what happens next

In the following pages

Will he make it pass chapter one?


Can’t let it go too far

Won’t let myself fall too hard

I’m already knee deep in

I have to pull myself out

Yet I don’t want to leave you

Waiting a little too long

But I’m still undecided

Unsure of anything to say or do


I want you so badly

And I don’t want to hurt anybody

Yet I know it’s more than a crush

And its not love I’ll keep telling myself that

But can it be anything deeper than it seems

It’s not self explanatory

So can anybody explain it to me?

Because I have no idea what’s happening

All I know is that it’s not love

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