Thursday, September 25, 2008
…I’m getting emotionally scarred just being in school. Being bullied hurts, I can’t handle it. Just feeling like you’re alone but I know they’ll regret it someday. I will live my dream in Hollywood, once they see me win an Oscar they will regret it! I don’t get it, I’m suffering but then I hurt others as well… I only do it to them because all the hurtful teasing and name calling…
I was twelve years old and that was around sixth grade. I remember spending most of my days in the library or in the classroom waiting for recess or lunch break to be over so I could only focus in class. I didn’t like the feeling of being alone, I didn’t like that I couldn’t relate to most of my peers and I hated that I was being bullied. It wasn’t mean girls it was mostly mean boys looking back.
They would make fun of the things I like, the way I talk and how I look. I was twelve and I preferred reading books and poetry so it as if i shouldn’t fit in with anyone from my age group. My voice was lower than most of my male classmates, being a little girl with a big, deep and full voice wasn’t a great thing back then. When most of my teachers would praise that one day I would be a broadcaster or a great public speaker my classmates made fun of me. It didn’t help that I had an accent so it was hard for me to be my talkative self.
Another was that I wasn’t a pretty girl or I’d like to think that I had low self esteem that I couldn’t see that I was pretty. I saw my pictures when I was in elementary school and I’ll be honest I wasn’t ugly. It still puzzles me why they would make fun of me but it did hurt my twelve year old self’s self esteem. I read a few more pages and I hated everything back then. I hated everyone, I was either always angry or always sad. It frightened me that I felt that way before, I was so young and already in a dark place.
I remember being bullied though at the moment I see nothing of it, I thought it made me strong. Now that I’m reading my past entries, I was a sad little girl trying too hard to fit in with everyone. I mentioned friends in the pages but I don’t feel any connection with any of them if my memory serves right. They were classmates who sympathized with me, I only had one friend at the time.
I was sad and angry those emotion fueled a dream inside of me. At the time I dreamed to be an actress and specifically a Hollywood actress. I’d like to believe that I created that dream as a way to cope with my low self esteem. I hated myself, I wanted to be someone else and I wanted people to like me without fault. So being a famous actress was the answer at the time because everyone loves a celebrity. I wanted attention I never could get back then.
In a way I want time travel to exist so I could comfort my twelve year old self and tell her things would get better. Because it will, here is a letter from me to my twelve year old self:
Wednesday April 28, 2016
Your deep voice? It’s an asset and everyone will love it. No one will ever make fun of your voice, they will constantly compliment it. You will meet people who love art, literature and obscure 80’s bands that no one heard of. There will be people who will try so hard to make sure you will never cry again, they will try so hard to make sure you smile and they share feelings and conversations. And the way you look? Honey you are beautiful and will always be beautiful. People love you and there will always be people to love you.