High School is not complete without the usual drama. Boy was Junior year full of it. At the time I was suffering from emotional stress and depression. It was a little hard for me to put up a straight front much less a happy one. It was a weird time for me, not only was I insecure but I had trouble keeping my pride in check. This was a time in my adolescence where apologizing symbolized weakness and submission. It took a while for me to realize that forgiveness could be easy without the ego.
If someone didn’t like me I immediately didn’t like them or at least talked about them. It was hard when it was someone I considered a friend. A friend that most of my peers would question why I was even friends with her in the first place. Especially when I found out the things she said about me. The first three days after I found out were filled with awkward tension and thick silence that could be easily cut with a simple apology.
I even remember the group texts that lead me to find out. Then I found out she was talking about another friend and that friend was also talking about her. It felt like Mean Girls, I took it the hardest. How did I handle it? By writing a song about her and then showing my other friends for them to see how hurt I was.
Because for a teenage girl who thought she was well liked by most of her peers it destroyed my self esteem. I was already insecure and finding out some people thought I was flirty and bitchy made me feel worse about myself. Though this was the first composition where I cussed during a time where I thought it was very un-lady like to cuss.
Thursday October 20, 2011
Let me see you put your hands up
You’re hiding behind that screen
Turn around and face me
My back won’t take anymore messages
Stabbing people with your sharp swords
Filling them up with pathetic words
Get a life don’t you get it?
Let me hear you say it
She says I’m sleazy, I’m easy, and I’m lazy
But who are you to say it?
You say I’m flirty, I’m bitchy
So come here and say it to my face
Hey backstabber turn around
Toss that shit down
Hey backstabber you with your
With a habit of ruining other people’s lives
Hey backstabber turn around!
She says I’m a freak and a giant cry baby
But honey you got nobody
So try and toss that to my face
You run, you hide and you cut it down
Hating on my secretly
You smile with so much plasticity
Acting as if you’re really that friendly
All you’re going to do is hide behind that door
Peeking through every window
Then twist and turn every words
Manipulate everything I said
Whispering to the next ear open
Spreading like wild fire
You dirty little liar
Come and say it to my face
Teenage angst and girl drama in one piece. I present to you my junior year. Actually this sums up it all up. Not only was I back-stabbed oh I was also the backstabber in one occasion. I thought of this person as a friend at the time however because of jealousy another person took over. I saw her differently and I definitely treated her differently. I talked about her, divulged her secrets and said awful things about her to other people.
Of course karma worked fast she heard about it and it was a month of constant avoidance. Until I put my pride aside and finally apologized. It was one thing being a friendless loser because no one likes you and it was another to be a friendless loser because you were being an asshole. I was an asshole and I had to own up to it rather than put up a wall screaming I was right about my actions.
Re-reading the past made me realize not only was I an idiot but at least I was the kind of idiot that knew when to admit a fault. Sure it took me a while, a couple of pages about my friend being a narcissistic bitch until guilt caught up with me.
My friend and I patched things up before Christmas.
However my other friend who back stabbed me, I decided to ignore it. I played along with the plasticity and smiled as if everything was alright. By the time our senior year rolled around we stopped talking that nothing was patched up and every issue was swept under the rug.
I wish I could say that drama of this kind is finally left in high school however it isn’t. I also wish I could say that rumors did not spread like wild fire due to the fact I thought I was smart and talented but I can’t.
So dear 16 year old me by the time college rolls around there would still be people who believe they are still in high school and brought the drama with them. You will be a victim, you will cry because you thought you left that stage but then it followed you. You will feel insignificant, a nothing and a worthless nothing. You will feel like you are a bad person that is why not everyone likes you. But let me tell you this, not everyone likes everyone. People will always have something to say and most of the time they will never say it to your face.
It’s just the world we live in but you will find people who love you for the reasons people talk about you. At some point you will feel like you’re not smart, but people will constantly remind you that you are. At some point you will think you’re not likable, but there will be some people who will say you are. At some point you will be quiet because you hate it when people say you’re too intense, there will be people to remind you that it’s part of your charm.
Then you’ll remind yourself time and time again, drama of this sort should only be in high school.