I wish I had a time machine so I could give myself a long lecture about boys and priorities. I would’ve told her that if Hermione focused on getting boys to like her she wouldn’t have been a great witch or worse she would’ve failed a class. If only I could give her a glimpse of our future shower her how such shallow wishes would bite her in the ass.

Was my ten-year-old-self looking for love? Oh, I wish I could say that but I wasn’t craving cliché romance. All my ten-year-old-self wanted was any boy to like me.

I blame Nickelodeon and Disney sitcoms for rewiring my brain about boys and crushes. They have episodes of girls either hopelessly crushing on a boy or obsessed with finding out if their crush liked them back –and they always do.

I was ten and somewhat impressionable. I wanted their reality over mine. I was only ten years old and I preferred a boyfriend over a puppy.

Elementary School Kids and Crushes

Back in elementary the idea of crushes was introduced. Some random kid would ask you who you liked. Of course, you’re like nine or ten who didn’t know how to answer such a silly question.

I didn’t like answering these questions because I didn’t like the teasing. It was enough they teased me for the way my nose looks or the way I walk. Sure we were little kids teasing was normal but that’s hard to explain to a young kid. Even though I try to avoid the question my other peers would actually answer it.

I’d often hear the same names but I never heard my name. I was ten and shouldn’t even care but I did. I wanted boys to like me and it’s not even a specific boy, I meant generally the idea of any boy taking interest in me. There were days I wondered if something was wrong with me. Was it the way I looked? Why didn’t anyone have a crush on me? When will a boy take interest in me?

It makes my head spin to think that when I was ten boys already made me question my self-esteem. I remember waking up every morning to stare at myself in the mirror wondering if I was pretty enough for a boy to ever like me.

Saved by Fictional Women

I looked up to Hermione Granger and Wonder Woman growing up. They were smart and strong women who won’t let anyone break them.

These fictional women helped me keep my insecurity in check. Enough to write a story with a female lead that was somewhat like them. It was about a girl named Isabella, she lived in a magical world where creatures like trolls, dwarves, and witches roam the earth. She was a brave and sassy witch. She was the savior of this magical world.

Of course, the story wouldn’t be complete without a handsome young man to be the romantic interest of dear Isabella. Mr. Dylan, there’s a last name however my handwriting confuses me if I wrote an S or a D or even an M. The best part is that he’s the damsel in distress. Props to my early self for believing in girl power, who preferred to write about saving a boy from an evil dragon than a typical love story.

Still, my eleven-year-old self couldn’t help but wonder if one day she’d save a boy or vice versa.

I believe that was the time I actually wanted to know what love was. Was it Spiderman and Mary Jane? Or was it the way Ginny liked Harry from the very start? My only references of what love could be were Disney films and fantasy books. Titanic would count however the only thing I focused on was how many people died on that boat rather than Jack and Rose.

 

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