You know that moment when someone catches your eye and your brain sends a message to the rest of your body to suddenly stop? And then you feel this warm and fluffy sensation all over your body? Well, I had that moment… with Nick Jonas.

I never met the guy. I only saw him on TV. I couldn’t believe he was actually real, an actual living boy who looked as if he wasn’t supposed to be real. I somewhat blame him for being the basis of what I wanted a boy to be. Because from fourth to sixth grade I wanted to be with either Nick Jonas himself or someone who was exactly like him.

I was young and I was very stupid

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered the internet and YouTube. While most kids my age were watching Shane Dawson I was looking for Jonas Brothers videos. I was already a fangirl before the term was overly used on the internet. I’d be a liar if I said I only used the internet for artistic appreciation and I did not Google their whole lives. I even visited a website called “Love Calculator” where it calculates how compatible you are with the person you like. It has no mathematical basis or used proper statistics because all you had to do was type both your names then viola! An “accurate percentage” of how compatible you both are. Nick and I got a 99% when I was 12 I was quite pleased with that. While I’m shaking my head wondering what was wrong with me back then?!

I remember buying magazines that mention the Jonas Brothers then read only the pages that mention them. I bought their albums posters and don’t worry there was no shrine. I was crazy in love not to the point of dedicating my whole room for them. But I did write seven chapters of fanfiction titled “That’s My Fangirl,” (which is gone now so don’t bother looking for it) where Nick Jonas falls in love with one of his fans. Although you could color me insane because just like any pre-teen fangirl comes jealousy. I am not proud of the next paragraph so please note the regret written in between the lines.

Being a Fan meant Blind Hatred

I was jealous of Miley Cyrus. Oh don’t get me wrong the girl is talented, loved her in Hannah Montana when I was a kid but then again as a pre-teen my judgment was clouded. I blame the internet for my blind hatred towards Miley and it’s no secret that her ex-boyfriend was Nick Jonas. Unfortunately for me and my lack of understanding of celebrity lives, I claimed Nick as mine and that no other girl can ever have him.

I had to breathe for a moment because I realized what I just wrote. Oh, how I wish time machines exist because I badly want to lecture sense to my pre-teen self. Not that the next part isn’t as cringe-worthy because it’s a whole lot worse.

The way I handled the blind hatred and jealousy was almost like handling a break-up. Not even exaggerating, I cried, I wrote pages and pages of fangirl heartache about losing Nick Jonas. I didn’t actually lose him, I never owned him and you can’t treat any human being as some sort of property. I know this now but I didn’t when I was twelve. I wasted a tub of ice cream and sad songs over someone who never knew I existed.

Loving A Concept

I guess it was preparation for understanding the difference between love and obsession. Because “loving” a celebrity is loving a concept of who you think they are. I was 12 and a little crazy. Sure it’s embarrassing to reveal this on the internet but I’m betting there are others out there with a similar story.

When you fall for someone, you have to realize they are human. If you think they are greater than who they are and could do no wrong you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Once you something you don’t like about them you feel blame them for not being who you expected them to be. You shouldn’t place someone on a pedestal and expect them to be who you exactly who you expect them to be. Over the next few years, I was still falling in love with idealized versions of people.

I had my heart broken a few times to learn this lesson. At least now, my celebrity crushes aren’t as dire as it was before.

 

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