I have been depressed and angry for the past few months. It comes and it goes. Most of the time the intervals of my depression were a few months apart. Nowadays, it’s getting short and shorter. Over the years, I have figured out my pattern of behavior which would sometimes lead to a huge mental breakdown. So, to bring a little control into my life I will try to accomplish at least three goals each month.
Why three? One goal would only make me feel lazy, two will only make me choose between them, and anything more than four would make me feel overwhelmed. So, I settled on three. Each goal is their own category: the first goal is something I have been putting off for quite a long time, the second goal is something personal, and the third goal has to be something financial (since I do not want to build debt during my early twenties).
It took a while so here are the following goals I set up for myself for the month of September:
- Go to therapy
- Dye my hair red
- Sticking to a budget without overspending or underspending on actual needs
Two of these goals are very simple, one is something adventurous, and the other is something I actually need. I have been vocal about my depression and anxiety over the years. At some point, I had it under control but after a while, my thoughts are darker, my anxiety gave me insomnia, and I feel angrier than usual.
Therapy and Counselling
Why I finally went to therapy
I have put therapy off of my list for a while because of finances and I thought I was getting better. However, part of getting better is realizing you have a problem (or still have one). Right now, I do have money because I try to limit my splurges and have an emergency fund I do not touch. So, I have no more excuses to say I cannot go to therapy.
My first session was very heavy. We delved into the roots of my unhappiness and insomnia.
For the past eight years, I have been filled with so much unhappiness and pent-up anxiety which would later manifest to a full-on breakdown. I have had quite a number of breakdowns over the years that can be seen as unhealthy. I would scream, cry, and walk aimlessly until the only thoughts in my head were “let’s end this.” There were days where I experienced the highest of highs but the lowest of lows but nowadays it’s been full of lows.
My unhealthy way of dealing with emotions
I do not know how to handle my emotions in a healthy way. According to my therapist, I do not know how to express my emotions properly because I myself do not validate those emotions. There’s more reason to as why I do not validate my own emotions but I rather not delve into that right now –maybe in a memoir when I’m around sixty-years-old. The gist of it all is because I feel selfish for expressing any sort of emotion.
Whenever I am sad there’s a voice inside my head saying I am selfish for being sad. This is the same when I feel happy or scared, I invalidate these emotions by calling them selfish. Because of this, I do not know how to fully express how I feel without feeling like I am a selfish person. This lead to poor decision making and all-around anxiety over simple things which ends in a mental breakdown.
We were able to get to the root of my problem after just one hour. However, full-disclosure this will not be the same for anyone who wishes to seek therapy. For me, I always knew my problem but never knew how to handle it. So for the next few sessions, we will be focusing on accepting my emotions and mindfulness.
How I’m Feeling Now
It felt good to get stuff off my chest but if I’m being perfectly honest I’m not doing so well. Of course, it will take a few more sessions to really address and implement the changes needed for my issues. Right now, I am trying to take care and be kinder to myself which is easier said and done. It’s hard when you spent most of your childhood afraid of your emotions.
Finally Dyed My Hair Again! (No Bleach Though)
The last time I dyed my hair was 2014 since then I could not decide whether or not I would want to color my hair again. I browsed the internet for colors I believe would suit me based on my skin tone and chosen haircut. However, all the colors I want would require bleaching for my hair. Of course, anyone who would want bright hair would have to go through the bleaching process.
Out of personal choice, I did not want to bleach my hair. It took years for my hair to finally be soft and a little less tangled. I did not want to risk damaging what is trying to be fixed.
Unfortunately, I did not dye my hair red as intended however it did come out great. Even though my goals were meant to help me take control of my life, I let myself let loose and decided not to choose my own hair color. I asked the hair dresses to choose a color he believed was a good fit for me.
You might think it would be scary to let a complete stranger change your look but it’s not the first time I let a hairdresser choose my hair for me. The last time was back in 2014 when I was feeling a little adventurous at the time. So far, it never backfired.
My hair is lighter than it actually is but it did not take long for me to get used to the new color. It was different but not as drastic or bold as the color red could have been. But I love it!
Am I really saving money?
I am trying to save money but in order to feel a little less lonely in the big city, it meant I had to socialize. Sure, I was happy to see people yet my wallet can beg to differ.
I tried to commute as much as I could yet the woes came in when food was involved. Aside from food a lot of my money goes to transportation ala Grab car.
I am still trying to learn to live with heavy traffic, overcrowded trains, and drivers who would drop off their remaining passengers somewhere else if it inconvenienced them. It’s a pretty toxic commute every day which takes a toll on my emotions. I go home irritated, sad, and find myself crying for half an hour.
Even if I did have a good time my mood will always change drastically due to my commute. Because being stuck in traffic for two to three hours will ruin anyone’s mood! Especially if the weather is scalding hot! You are met with the foul smells of sweat, congested sitting arrangements, and the resounding horns of annoyed drivers.
So there are days, I do choose an easy way to commute. I am trying hard to work on underspending my commute and tolerate my hellish journey.
I also love a good sale when the sign says it’s 50% off but the temptation of half-priced clothes does not drain my wallet. I only treat myself to clothes every once in a while and when I mean “once in a while” I mean when I have a bulk of clothes which no longer fit.
So two goals out of three does not sound so bad, right?