It’s already April but it isn’t too late to share my March notes with you.
March was quite a month for me. A few things have happened which I cannot talk about right now –however expect a couple of years or so when it will be like a funny story. What I can talk about right now is productivity; the lack thereof as well as the guilt surrounding it.
You can already tell that I haven’t written anything for March except for my February Notes. And just like my last blog post, this was supposed to be one of my monthly goals however I couldn’t properly commit to it anymore.
Let me explain…
Finding Time and Making Time
When is being busy to do something considered an excuse? Or when it be considered justified? Right now, I wish I can tell you I was too busy to even list down three goals to achieve for March but that would be lying to you, my dear readers. Instead, I can tell you what I’ve been doing which kept me from writing or doing anything I’ve set out to do at the beginning of the year.
I spent my first few weeks of March a little busy to the point I was frustrated for two weeks straight. It wasn’t the best few weeks which led me to make a hard but one of the best and healthiest decisions I ever had to make. The best way I can describe my first few weeks of March would be: sleepless, long hours, and almost broke.
There was no energy left in me to want to try things anymore. I spent most of my days in bed trying to make sense of what I’m supposed to be doing with my life like most early 20-something-year-olds. I was constantly tired, hungry, and financially anxious so anything I try to do felt like a heavy burden.
Jobless but hopefully not yet hopeless
I am still looking for a job. The longest time I was ever unemployed was four months which was last year. After going through 16 job interviews and almost accepting two jobs in 2018, I was a mess. The moment my contract ended December last year, I told myself I wouldn’t be as hard on myself.
Well, I was harder on myself now more than ever. So far in the span of three months, I was able to get 12 job interviews. It’s already hard to get an interview however passing the interview stage is the hard part for me. Most of the time it’s because of my salary expectations and negotiating my worth.
Another part is knowing what industry I should be entering which has been an identity crisis for me since last year. I’ve only been applying to jobs which can be somewhat related to what I want. Thought it would be helpful if I knew what I wanted.
Indecisive Anxiety Strikes Again
I hate to be wrong.
Not wrong in the sense of professionalism or creativity. I accept critique and feedback very well because it helps me grow in both my career and creative endeavors.
When I say “I hate to be wrong,” what I meant was in my life choices. I’m constantly afraid of making the wrong decisions this includes choosing a job. Despite wanting an offer laid out on the table, I’m afraid of what the offer might be because I do not know how to properly handle it. My thoughts go into overdrive and in a matter of seconds, it’s turtles all the way down.
Every choice has a different outcome –worst part is that it’s unpredictable. I’m also afraid of making the wrong choice which would affect everything. Most of the time my head is filled with voices telling me everything I do is wrong.
My former therapist would tell me it is rooted in my childhood like most issues are however delving into that is a whole different subject matter. Right now all I have to do is make good choices which will not end terribly.
The worst thing about adulthood!
No One has their life figured out in their 20s
We all have to make mistakes to learn from them.
Our early 20s were made to make mistakes because it’s the first time we are truly independent. We are now adults. Our choices now matter more than ever but there’s added pressure from social media and relationships because we are so afraid of making one bad choice. Because of what others might think of us.
Sometimes it’s not even strangers most of the time it’s the people who are close to us. We are afraid of their judgment more than anyone else! I’m trying to learn how to respect my own decisions because there’s no one else here to make them for me.
Building a good support system for my constant identity and existential crisis
Having a good support system doesn’t mean people who blindly support every move you do. A good support system is people who are honest yet caring. It’s people who respect your choices without judgment –be it harsh or passive aggressive.
At the moment, I have great friends and a partner willing to help me through my constant anxiety.
Hello anxiety, my old friend.