“Streets erased of footprints I lie here, fallen to the ground. Time goes by on its own without a single apology” (Life Goes On, BTS)
Saying 2020 is a shit show would be an understatement. January gave us hope that maybe the next few months would bless us yet here we are in November, wondering where January went. I lost my job, had to rebuild my savings, and survived the past few months without a single hug. My love language is touch, so I’ve been suffering without affection. Most days feel like I’m suffocating, constantly overwhelmed, and panicking about the smallest of things. I couldn’t even let the routine of it all swallow me whole.
I lay in bed struggling to get up. Let my alarm snooze by itself because I hoped the annoying sound would push me out. Although, I’ve grown accustomed to the loud noise every 6 AM to the point I just lay there listening to it like a song. Each day it would have different lyrics. Sometimes it was my anxiety telling me waking up was useless and other days it’s my conscience beating me up. Guilt and worry are my only morning moods.
Today, I asked for a day off because I needed just one more day to breathe. It’s my birthday so I am allowed to breathe today. In this 9-month isolation period, this is the only time I can sigh the heaviest of sighs. Maybe even cry for a little while. Let everything out, shake the bottle of feelings I’ve kept for the past few months.
Break. Today, I will let myself break. I have no one to blame today. There is no shame, no regrets, and no clouded thoughts. I am not looking for an apology because time has nothing to say. It’s only doing its job, letting days pass by in different paces. For today, I will allow the cracks that have grown finally show.
Shatter, breakdown, and smile. There is no point lying to myself again today or hold my head high to tell the world that I am okay. I will not lash out at the world or let my bottled feelings target someone else. Today, I tell myself I am not okay and life will go on. For now, I will cry, scream, and fall. Then smile because for a moment I have found some sort of peace.
Take a few deep breaths, count back to ten until my shoulders relax, and embrace the silence after the chaos.
It’s okay not to be okay. Life goes on.