This is the break-up conversation we never had.

I am not good with break-ups. Whether I’m the one being dumped or doing the break-up, the conversation surrounding it is not that easy. Most of the time, I’d wait for one of us to bring it up then accept whatever happens –then prepare my Taylor Swift Break-up Playlist on Spotify.

But anyways here it goes…

Let me start by saying that let us not fall into a blame game. This is not a “it’s you, not me” conversation nor am I saying that anyone is at fault.

If there was then probably it was me or our actions started to fall in place enough for us to see the bigger picture.

You’re a wonderful and amazing person.

You make me smile, seeing you instantly make me happy. Although, for the past few weeks it was not the case. I don’t know how to say this because I’m not that good with confrontation without being too soft or too harsh. It’s hard for me to find the in-between. I often find myself in circles trying my best to say the right words without sounding cliché or like a bitch.

To be honest the thought of us has been bothering me for a while now. I’ve been holding it in until I reached the point I couldn’t anymore. I ended up venting to friends because I am too afraid to say it all to you.

They told me that we should talk it out but I honestly don’t know how to go to a person and say “Hey I thought about breaking up with you because I am tired of passive aggressively tweeting about you.” Or just simply put: I am unhappy.

Honestly, it confuses me too. Because how does one go from “I love you so much” to “you irritate me so much” in a few months. It feels like I’ve fooled you into falling in love with me.

I bribed you with poetry, two in the morning conversations, and pillow promises during midnight. A year with you sounded like wasted potential. I almost thought we could become the young lovers our old selves would reminisce about. Re-reading what I wrote, that was only a fantasy because that’s what our relationship turned into –a fantasy.

From “I love you” to no replies, shifting priorities and loads of excuses.

Your favorite excuse is that you are busy. Now I understand from the very beginning that you are busy but let’s face it we are all busy to the point that it’s not an excuse. It just takes priority; you have to know where I fit into your priorities. Am I even one?

You said that you’re not good in making plans and I thought your spontaneity was romantic. But waiting for two-hours under the rain for date sounds like the prologue of a love story waiting to happen. There were no texts, calls, or even a heads-up. So, I was the idiot standing in front of the café watching people pass me by hoping to see you run towards me, catching your breath but making sure you said “I love you.”

Despite all the fights, silence, and tears, you cannot find any initiative inside you to make a change.

I am tired of saying this phrase “I understand” because I want to avoid any sort of confrontation. The last thing I want is to stay in this relationship only to build resentment between us.

This is not the best excuse to why I never mentioned anything in the first place but I was trying too hard not to turn you into my dancing monkey.

What’s a dancing monkey?

It’s a circus animal, a well-trained animal that does things on command especially when its trainer (or Ring Master) snaps his fingers. I did not want to be your trainer or Ring Master, because if you only do things out of pleasing me for the sake of getting yourself out of trouble it will turn into a habit. That’s the last thing I want to happen to us.

I do not want to be like other couples who only said “I love you” out of routine, like a standard operating procedure in the relationship. I want us to be sincere when we say we love each other, I have no doubt in my mind that you love me.

But am I priority? You have to know that if I can’t be your number one priority I at least need to be one of them.  Because it feels like I’m always a second choice or not a choice at all. There’s no other obstacle between us yet I always compete for your attention.

You try so hard squeezing me into your tight schedule only to forget about it on the day itself.  You say you’re on your way but a few hours late is far different from fifteen minutes away.

You said you woke up late or that you lost track of time. Well, I hope you don’t mind losing me.

You’re a wonderful person but I don’t know how to stay patient. Despite everything, for some odd reason I want us to work out.

Let me end this by saying, can we at least try an alternative that is not breaking up?

Or am I trying too hard to keep something that will never work out because I’m scared of the aftermath?

If I’m being honest, I’m not scared of losing you. The only thing I am scared of is the person I will be after everything.

Maybe this is why we never had this conversation.

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